I’m a 20-something bisexual depressed girl in love with so much and with nothing.
There is so much on my mind that I want to get out but I don’t know how. I feel like I need someone to know what’s in my head but I just don’t know how to express it. I write it down to try and relieve some of the pressure against my skull, but the words still resound in my head. Screaming against the other thoughts, fighting…a civil war inside my head and I walk around waiting for the explosion that ends it all. That may seem melodramatic but it’s just how I feel.
I have a million questions I want to ask people but I’m afraid of their answers. I want to know the truth but I don’t. I am a walking contradiction. You can see how that could drive someone insane. Or maybe I wasn’t ever really sane to begin with. Maybe I was born with a ticking clock for a heart.
I sit here without pants on, a towel on my head, and Girl, Interrupted playing on the tv, typing these things and all I really want is that one person to be here with me and to just say all the things in my head and ask all the questions that I fear the answers to. But even when that person is here with me, the words just sit there, never finding my voice.
I’m not typing this for sympathy or attention or for people to tell me “oh you do matter” or “you’re loved” or “you are amazing, don’t be afraid” or my favorite “everything will be okay.” I just type this because I’m not okay. I am broken and I’m not looking for someone to fix me because I don’t know what would ”fix” me. I just needed to get SOMETHING out into the world instead of keeping it all in.
